Are You Assertive or Aggressive? What Works Best When Leading Your People?

by: Herbert Greenberg Ph.D.

In tough times, leadership is key. And what makes leaders effective? Their potential to communicate. But, communication comes in all shapes and sizes. Assertiveness and aggressiveness are often used to describe a forceful leader. In describing someone who is strong and forceful, you might be inclined to say something like, “She is a very assertive and aggressive individual.”

It is not unusual to use the words assertive and aggressive interchangeably - as though they were variations on a theme. Or perhaps you might think of aggressiveness as simply assertiveness with the volume turned up. But, that really is not the case.

Someone who is assertive comes across as being positive, self-assured, and confident. On the other hand, someone who is aggressive may start fights or quarrels. That actually makes them sound like polar opposites, doesn’t it?

So, just what is it with assertiveness and aggressiveness? Are they related? Similar? Or completely different?
Let’s take a moment to explore these two personality traits a little closer to see just what is underlying each of them. If there was a goal to meet along a path of obstacles, a truly assertive person would speed along the path, overcoming each of the obstacles until the goal was met. An aggressive person, on the other hand, would get so involved in knocking down the obstacles that the goal would become secondary, if not completely lost.

Assertiveness, then, is an essential part of every effective manager and salesperson. That quality enables someone to take charge and to explain calmly and clearly how to do things. Assertive people can be forceful without necessarily being demanding. They do not need volume to get their points across. In short, assertive people do not have the emotional charge that is generally associated with aggressive individuals.

Aggressiveness, meanwhile, comes with a jolt. If combined with poor empathy and low abstract reasoning ability, you can end up with a firecracker. Such individuals just barge ahead, repeating mistakes, over and over, a little more forcefully each time.

Aggressive people are demanding and have absolutely no trouble criticizing others. In fact, they get a bit of a kick out of telling others off. Upsetting the apple cart is one of their favorite pastimes.

So, how do these two qualities play out in a business setting?
An assertive leader will calmly and deliberately walksomeone through the steps of accomplishing a task, then  trust them to get the job done. An aggressive leader will be unlikely to give such clear instructions, then will be overbearing, placing unnecessary pressure on those working on the task, and is likely to lose control when things don’t work according to their plan.

Does this mean that assertiveness is all-good and aggressiveness is all-bad? Not quite.
Individuals, who are very assertive, but not very aggressive, can be inconsistent, particularly when conflict arises.

Because assertive people do not necessarily want to shove their ideas down someone else’s throat, they will strongly put forth their point of view, but if the other person is not buying it, an assertive person might just shrug and walk away. Because they are self-assured, assertive individuals will not feel a need to push their point any further. They will make their point clearly, then let it go at that.

There are some cases where the way has to be pushed open, where a stalemate arises, and without a slight shove in the right direction, nothing will change.

In such instances, an individual who has tempered aggressiveness can appropriately apply it – moving an otherwise intractable situation forward. However, whether in management or in sales, such instances should be rare in order to be effective. Because, when aggression becomes the status quo, trust is lost, and with that, effectiveness goes out the door.

The best combination, we have found, in sales as well as management, is someone with a high level of assertiveness backed up by a moderate amount of aggressiveness, which they can keep in check.When they need it, such individuals can turn on the juice. All in all, they relate well to others because they are consistently positive, and their supportive, self-assured approach is comforting, if not contagious.